2003-11-19 - 1:01 a.m.
I need a new camera. I also need more color in my life. I may paint my room hot pink & orange.
It's been a frequent thing lately that I've been talking to my friend Jsun. He lives in Rockford. He is leaving for Washington soon.I am happy & jealous at the same time. Happy he gets to be set free from what is dragging him down. I am jealous because I long to do the same myself. I walk around in circles everyday. Or course not literally. I am not a fool to think that life has to have meaning. I just want an outlet from this rut that is stealing my sanity. I am afraid it may take my life.
That is if being sick doesn't claim it first.
On the bright side of things I have found a hetero companion. Natalie & I are close. It seems weird thought b/c sometimes I still feel weird around her. She neevr second guesses me though.She believes in me. I believe in her.That isn't what I meant to say about bright things. I am losing my train of thought. Which isn't much of a rareity lately. I hate writing about the way I feel. I hate talking about the way I feel. I hate feeling the way I feel.No one ever sees me cry. I do. I cry a lot.
On the bright I am becoming ok with my appearance. On the dark side I am becoming selfish & uncaring. I think. Not completely. I am getting there though. I just want to do something so dastardly. I understand how depression drives people to drinking,drugs,reckless sex & even murder. I get it now. Hopefully things will change before I slip & I'm not able to get back up. Or something.Who knows maybe that's the way to go.
Let's all drink,make love & stab someone in the back.
One Love.
