2003-12-18 - 1:04 a.m.
My ass is growing. Anthony is in Paris & Dustin seems so distant.
I found out over the weekend a boy I knew from highschool died recently. I shouldn't say boy...his name was Greg Schilling. I used to call him Gregory. I thought it was cute because he hated it & his mom was the only person to call him that. We went out a few times but only as friends. I had the hugest crush on him for most of my freshman year. I became frightened & pulled away because he didn't want the same things I did. We used to write notes to each other all the time. I wish I could have saved them. The only thing I have left is what's stored in my crappy memory. I did miss him every now & again. I am scared. Each year death becomes closer & closer. I don't mean in the metaphorical sense that time equals death & the more years that past the closer you are to death. What I mean is every year someone I know dies. The connection becomes closer. Last year around this time it was Valin. Now Greg. It would seem tacky yet appropriate to ask who's next.....
I am having nightmares. I am having night sweats. I wake up & I feel as though I'm choking. This anxiety is eating away at my core. I almost went ballistic at work today. It took a lot to keep my composure.
In some dumb fucked up way I miss Anthony. Dustin was to be my golden boy. I've come to realize that there is no such thing in my life. I've began to float. I don't really need a destination. I am just going to breeze through things. I have no choice. I have tried my very best to make things work & work for things. It isn't happening. So now where ever I am is where I'll be. I am also through with trying to wrap my brain around things. It's no longer possible. It really isn't all that flexible.
I went to the Midnight showing of "Return of the King." I loved it. Atleast I think I did. I have to see it again to know for sure. That's about it for now. Who knows. Everything changes in a day.
Right?
One Love.
P.S. I never mind your braces. I always thought your smile was beautiful.
P.P.S. I just realized I wrote my last entry before I found out about Greg. My Grandmother was always the same way about her creepy forshadowings. *Sigh*
