2004-01-12 - 12:39 a.m.
I don't really have much to update about.
I have gotten over the fear & disappointment. I have overcome the self-hatred & hatred for others. What's left?
I am in a mediocore relationship. I always promised myself I'd never settle & I have. I mean,Anthony has grown on me a lot. I guess that doesn't matter now. I am convinced his parents hate me. I don't care really. They don't seem to love him much.I'm not sure why I think this. It just seems that way with him & most of his friends. They are all alcoholic rich kids. No morals,no obligations. I am a poor kid. I don't think I am an alcoholic anymore. I don't think I ever was. I don't need alcohol anymore to have fun or feel like a sexy worthwhile person.
I'm not sure if I'm evolving or regressing. This girl at work said something about me that made me upset. Atleast it should have. I think in the past I would have cried. I think I almost did. Not because she hurt my feelings but b/c I felt as though it would have been appropriate to cry. I'm not apologizing for myself anymore. I am not all that strange or selfish. I give what I can.
Someone is always so ready to remember what you did to them. They never think about the things they've done. Their selfish acts.
I want to go somewhere by myself. I am in a constant state of isolation. By choice? Maybe. This is the strangest I've ever felt b/c I really don't feel at all.
My birthday is right around the corner. I don't want to go to Vegas anymore. I want to stay in Chicago. I have decided what I want. I am going to plan a party for me. I will invite people. However,I am not working around anyone.That sounds like fun.
I won't lie & say that I am not hurt. I am. I'm just not going to take it out on myself anymore.
One Love.
