2004-01-14 - 3:54 a.m.
I'm tired,I'm hungry,I feel abused.
Anthony called me drunk..AGAIN. I guess he forgot the rules. I guess you don't remember much when you drink. So,I was a fool to think that our relationship can be anything more than sexual. I mean,why else would he call me at 2 in the morning wanting to "hang out". It drives me crazy. When he called I got nervous & I have no idea why. He could come over. I just don't want him to. I already have too many people in my house.
I hate taking pictures. I absolutely hate the way I look in pictures. I wonder how come no one understands that. I am not going to allow anyone to take my picture ever again.I should really be asleep. I'm not I'm up & worried. I don't want those old feelings to return. I had become really good at feeling ok.I guess I am afraid of something. Maybe it's that instead of playing lesbian I am actually a lesbian & Anthony is my beard. I thought long & hard about it. I think this is it. The other day the girls at work asked me what kind of guys I liked. I couldn't tell them. It's true. I haven't been REALLY attracted to someone in a really long time. I wasn't THAT attracted to Dustin. I mean yea we kissed a lot & stuff. I thought I was really into to him. I then realized I wasn't. I've seen Tony,Justin,Jon,Chris,Shannon,etc...all the boys I used to be attracted to. Nothing. Sometimes,Anthony surprises me & I just want to smile at him. It's just that I lack the passion that makes me want to grab him & hold him tight. I hate when he looks at me when we're laying in bed. It feels like a lie. It is a lie. I feel really bad about it. I just don't know what to do. He says "I love you" almost every night. He is becoming more & more considerate & I just want to be alone.
Here's where it gets fucked up.
I have felt a slight something for this guy that Brooke is seeing. She hates him. I think he's ok. I dunno. That's so wrong. I wonder if I kissed him what it'd be like. So wrong. I don't think I like him though. I think it's just because I can't have him. No,it isn't that either. It's nothing really. I am just bored. I say & do dumb things out of sheer boredom to stir things up. I'm not a drama queen really. When it all goes down I just walk away. So maybe I'm poison. Yea,I'm poisonous.Ooooooh,that's dangerous.
This is all a facade because in reality,I'm nothing.
One Love.
