2004-02-08 - 1:18 p.m.
Toya-
I'm celebrating my Birthday on the 21st. I really hope you'll be able to make it. Armando got us a hotel room & they are throwing me a party. I just wanted to let you know. I'll call you later in the week to give you details. Um,ok..lets see.
My life has become incredibly routine. I'm having mixed feelings about my birthday. I don't know if I am excited. I hate celebrating birthdays. The only reason I'm doing it is because it's my 21st. I want everyone to be there. I have become so comfortable in my reclusive ways that it is going to take a lot to make the effort. I hate stress so I avoid it at all costs. I didn't really want to have to bother with factoring everyone into something I'm not even positive I want to happen. I invited Anthony & Ryan. I was hoping to cause some trouble but I know Ryan won't come. I was thinking abuot causing even more trouble by inviting Jayde & Aimee. I know they'd bring Dustin then I'd watch the shit hit the fan. That'd be the best birthday present ever. I am feeling really destructive. I feel like crushing a few personal relationships just for the sheer fun of it. I don't think I feel this way because I have Jsun. Technically I don't have Jsun. He says that I have him. I'm not sure if I want to believe him or not. I'll be really upset if I let the betrayal other people have shown me intefere with the potential something of Jsun & I. Then again I'm just going to wait & see what happens. I'm not jumping into anything any longer. I'm keeping my distance from everything & everyone. Even those I've grown to love. I haven't talked to Natalie,Terry or Roberta other than to talk about the party. I talk to Jsun almost every night. Now,we even write letters to one another. I love his friendship. It's like I can feel it. I don't just call him a friend because I know him. I used to do that a lot. I call him a friend because I can feel it. That is wonderful. I don't know why I can't break up with Anthony. I am just making things worse by procrastinating. Now,it isn't even about sex. I really don't like having sex with him. I was hoping I can keep my distance. I did something really dumb the other night & it is going to bother me until I can fix it. Which is ok with me because atleast I know I care about something. I haven't given a shit about anything for a long time. I guess that's hy I don't write anymore. You have to feel & think to write. I don't. I think a lot but then again nothing holds weight like it used to. I mean like at all. Why care when you can just be like "Fuck it." Which has been my motto lately. I'm not proud of it.It isn't who I am.
It is just who I've become.
One Love.
