2004-02-12 - 1:38 a.m.
I actually b/p'ed for the first time today in a long time. I mean,I don't know what provoked me to do it. I am starting to feel like I did before. I don't know if that's good or bad. Atleast,I feel something.
Jsun is helping me. He is trying to help me onvey emotion again. I mailed his Valentine today. You kinda se it through the envelope & the post office guy just smiled at me. It made me feel giddy in a way,I haven't in a long time. I don't think I ever felt that way. I can't describe how awesome I felt after it was all said & done. I hope he likes it. I really,really do. It was pretty deep so I don't know how he'll react. I'm just sad I won't be there to see him recieve it.
I called Anthony today. I didn't talk to him though. Valentine's Day os on Saturday. My birthday is on Tuesday. Now,it may see a bit shallow to break up with him for not thinking of me on these days. I.e. getting me something. However,he has already gotten me something & taken it back. Which I swallowed my pride & forgave him for it. All I ever wanted from him was to be taken into consideration. That's it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Even before I did all those mean things I had hoped we could be more than what we were. I actually did like him. He ruined it. I'm not as important as drinking. If there is something to him he won't let me in & that simply will not do. There is no effort on his part. I'm so stupid.
Everything I do just seems pointless. Now,there is Jsun & I can only give him a fraction of what I used to be. That tears me up & it blows. I mean,we are only friends as far as I'm concerned. If there ever was something to happen between us,well...who knows. I may change. He may be able to change things. He is encouraging me to keep writing. Which is truly blessed. I mean,he has taken it upon himself to help me rediscover what I love to do. I thought that task to be impossible. Then again,I should do this on my own. I guess a little help doesn't hurt.
One Love.
