2004-03-19 - 11:46 p.m.
I really,really,feel like starving myself. That's not a good idea though b/c it wouldn't help my situation any. Wait,maybe it would. Eureka! I think I am brighter when I'm hungry. Why? I have no idea.In school when I was younger they'd always tell you to eat healthy to feed your brain. Well,I was creating more when I was living off coffee & cigarettes. I miss that diet. I'm not busy enough for it anymore.I want it though. I so do. I have no other choice. I am getting so fat,I think. I am driving myself fucking nuts.
I thought that once love came my way,everything would be ok. So,not the case. I should go excercise. I really,really should. Maybe sometimes it seems as though I am always in love. not the case. I am always in infatuation. I was suffering from infatuation with Ryan the whole 3 yrs. I knew him. Which doesn't make any since. Infatuatin by definition is supposed to be short-lived. That's so stupid. I think maybe I could have loved him,if my love would have been more healthy than it was. I latched onto him because everything was so wrong. For awhile,I was cool & didn't care. It was his aloofness that reeled me in. I was hooked for so long. Terrible. The saddest part is I am not entirely over him. I know one day I will be. I am not entirely over Daniel. However,I know for a fact I'd NEVER go back to Daniel. EVER. Ryan,well I was never his,so there is nothing to go back to. There would just be something to start. I'll keep that towards the back of my mind though. I'll just let it fade away. I know it will happen.
I just realized,I don't do anything. I do this every year. around the beginning of spring I become a recluse. Do things then go out more when the weather gets better. I am so incredibly drained. It's horrible.Ifeel like crap. So crappy it hurts to be awake sometimes. My mom says I may be dehydrated so I've been drinking a ton of water. I also take vitamins. I dunno,I should take my ass to the doctor. But I cry everytime I go to the doctor it's so depressing.
My mom is really sick too. But,I'm not going to talk about that.
So,only thing I've done is work & I have to do that b/c I need money. So yea,life is pretty non-exsistent right now.
I just want to drink myself to sleep. A sleep I hope to never wake from.
One Love.
