2004-09-22 - 12:16 a.m.
I write stories for myself. I don't mean that I write as some kind of therapy. I mean I write so I can read & enjoy what I've written. I haven't decided if that's vanity or not. I don't think so. I think that maybe I just daydream a lot & I've never lost my ability to lose touch with reality.
That may be some sort of therapy. Whatever it is. It isn't working.
I used to vent a lot. I used to vent here a lot. I want to vent about Anthony. I can't get rid of him & I know it's my fault. I am angry that there is absolutely nothing to him . I want so much more. I don't mean anything superficial by any means. I just mean that I like people that are actual people. I like people with emotions & substance. Something for me to love or hate. Anthony,well Anthony just floats. I've known Paul for like a month & I can already read him. I know he tells himself he doean't like me. That's only because he is friends with Anthony. Officially Paul isn't my friend yet & I know secrets. Not that anyone has told me. I've stumbled upon them & figured them out.
There has to be a reason Paul had me chase him into a dark room. There has to be a reason he talks so close & always touches the flower in my hair. I know the reason Paul doesn't act on what he feels. It's all because of Anthony. I really do hate Anthony. It isn't his fault though.It's mine. I don't think about Paul. Paul isn't even my type really. I don't like him because we've had sex,to tell you the truth I can't even remember. I like Paul,b/c when I met Paul,I liked Paul. I'll get over it though. I always do.
I thought about Ryan today. I also read something that made me think. That seems to happen a lot. I do miss my old friend Matt & I hope one day i'll run into him & it will be just like all the other times. I hate that I think about it so much.
There is always a different guy & it drives me up the wall. I want to stop liking. I want to stop loving. I can't handle it,it's just too much. I'm not sure how to do away with it.
I told Quincy I didn't have very many friends. I wasn't saying it for pity.I was saying it because it's true & I like it. I can't have friends. I've realized I'm the one at fault. No one is perfect. It's too late though. I can never go back to being the way I used to be. It will never happen. Once I've said Good-bye to you,you're gone. I can't help the way it happens.
I have to say Good-bye to Daniel because he has lied & kept me in the dark for 3 years. He is going to be home now so I don't have to fear for his safety. I'll leave that to his girlfriend.
I have a feeling that time is moving & I don't really have a say in where it moves to. I guess that's ok.
At this point everything could be okay.
One Love.
