2004-11-30 - 4:52 p.m.
Things aren't going to improve with my assimilation. I am going to have to do things my way. I used to talk all this crap about being selfish & looking out for myself. What a joke. I am not selfish. I don't look out for myself. I have to choose solidarity to maintain sanity. I'm not sure why this is exactly. It just has to be so. I always find myself questioning the people I surrond myself with. Then I've realized,it's me. No one will ever be good enough for me. I have adapted to the cycle of being the victim. In some way or another there will always be fault in someone else. I will always feel as though someone is hurting my feelings. Whether it be a forgotten "thank-you" or a prolonged "hello". I am always going to feel bad about my decision in personal relationships. That's fine though. All humans aren't meant to have companions. Well,that's my belief anyway. I like the comapny of others at times. I get lost somewhere in too much interaction. I wonder what my personality disorder is called & if it's worth working through. The thing is I'm not sure I want anything to change. I would like to be more motivated. I am much more creative after stints of being alone. The ability to create is my life. I can't sacrifice that. It often happens. I become more social & I lose what makes me,me. I might have to learn to work this out. I wonder if it's cool to be an insane artist anymore. I have a lot more to do. I need self motivation. Maybe this all an excuse to be afraid & revel in that. I often let fear hinder me from a number of things. This just being my way of justifying that. I hate these long,drawn out pensive thoughts. I used to love them. I used to feel blessed to have them. Now,they have just become a burden that interrupt my being able to function normally from day to day. It's so frustrating.
There is no back up plan.
One Love.
