2005-08-16 - 10:03 p.m.
It's unbelievable that it's been six years & I'm tired. I'm tired & scared & sick of being mentally-ill. I'm tired of being ill & in pain & crying. GOD DAMMIT! I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT!! When Mr. G. left for 2 weeks I was going to go to the hospital. I didn't. I didn't because I was scared. I was afraid things will change. I will never forgive myself if being sick drives Mr. G. away. I just don't know what to do anymore. Okay! So what! So I am the type of person that needs help. I am the type of person that needs a lot of help. I need it. I don't know how else to be & I feel alone. Mr. G. is great help,at this stage though there is only so much he can do. I think I have run out of options. I want so much & every night I find myself crawling on the floor racking my brain my ideas. Something I can do. I don't know.
Mr. G's dad is making me hate him. He is making me hate everything about his family. Everyday there is an instance where I want to destroy something huge. Something huge & breakable. I want revenge & redemption. What I need more than anything though is just a little help.
I hate that Mr. G. downplays the things that his dad says. It's his dad,I know. I haven't done anything to him though. I haven't done anything but love his son. When do I get a break? When do things become fair? I have no idea if it ever does.
One Love.
