2009-06-02 - 5:48 p.m.
" I can't do this."
The look in her eyes said fear more than lust. I will admit that.
This was supposed to be spontaneous,
a spur-of-the-moment meeting. Even though we had been planning it for a week.
"Why Not?"
"You have a girlfriend, no a fiancee."
"You knew that."
She put her head down.
"I know."
She raised her head to look at me again. Tears in her eyes created a sparkle. I instantly became hard. She was so pretty. Unfortunately for me she was one of those girls that looked beautiful when they became sad. I loved that.
"We don't have to." I lied.
Of course we didn't have to. I mean I couldn't force her. We didn't have to have sex, but I really wanted to. Just then she grabbed me and began kissing me. I could tell she was attempting some sort of passion. It seemed so.
I still went with it. The truth was, I needed this. I was getting married. I'd only had sex with two girls. My ex and my current. I just wanted at least one random hook-up. Leave it to me to botch it entirely by setting up an affair with a friend/co-worker/love interest.
I wasn't conflicted. I just wanted to bang her. Even though I didn't want her to feel that way. OK. I lied. I was conflicted.
We kept kissing. She let me grab her breasts. I put my hand under her shirt to pinch her nipples. She seemed to like it. I was so ready.
Then she stopped me. Fuck.
"Maybe we should just cuddle."
What. The. Fuck.
She turned her back to me and laid down. I guess she wanted to spoon. I didn't lie down beside her. Not at first I didn't. She didn't seem to notice.
"So, whats next?"
She sniffled.
Oh God. I hope she isn't crying.
"I don't know" she answered all hoarsey and tone broken.
She was crying.
"I thought I could do this. I like you a lot actually.."
"I like you too."
"Really?"
"Of course."
"I don't want you to think this is about me wanting to be with you. It isn't."
I should have felt relieved after she made that statement. I didn't.
"I know."
"I just realized that I haven't been with someone in a long time. This is weird. I make things weird."
"You don't."
"I do."
"You do."
We both laughed in unison.
"I hate my body."
"I never figured you for one of those girls."
"I fucked it up."
"How?"
"By starving myself."
"What happened?"
She turned, facing my direction and lifted her shirt. Her torso and arms were covered in stretch marks.
"Oh."
"Yea."
It didn't bother me. I still thought she was pretty. I still wanted to fuck her.
"Big deal."
She turned from me again. She was silent for awhile. The silence was broken by sobs.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I put my hand on her shoulder. She began sobbing harder. I sighed.
"Why are you crying?"
"It's just that..."
She sobbed, more.
"WHAT?"
That was from sheer frustration. I began to feel really bad.
"You're perfect."
It went from bad to worse.
"This is about me wanting to be with you. I lied."
"I know."
I sighed again and rubbed my head.
I laid next to her. She turned to me and kissed me immediately. I put my arms around her and kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes. I looked at her while stroking her hair thick dark hair. A pang of guilt shot through my stomach causing me to swallow instantly and involuntarily. I hadn't felt guilty all night. For some reason though, right then, in that moment felt like cheating.
